Insecurity is a funny thing isn’t it? It has a way of sneaking in just when you feel like you’ve got it all together and things are plugging along. I’ve had this nasty self-doubt really rear its head lately, a lot of ups and downs with internal turmoil, and I really can’t pinpoint where or why it all started.
Recently I was at dinner with a group of friends and the whole time I was just overcome with the feeling that maybe my presence was annoying to them. That every joke I tried to make was so stupid and any time I participated in the conversation my commentary fell flat. I worried I was talking about myself too much, or being braggy, or telling stories that weren’t interesting at all. Truthfully, I feel this all the time in social settings. It’s painful. This was just one moment in a long string of events where I leave feeling like I just don’t fit in.
I keep coming back to the thought that I know I am weird and beyond awkward and someone who can be hard to get to know but if only I could just totally own my weirdness and awkwardness it might not be so bad. But I just keep feeling like if only I were different, more outgoing, more confident, better at small-talk or a million other things, maybe I could be someone others felt more at ease around. The thing is, I don’t know how to be anyone but me. I don’t know, and probably never will, how to be the boisterous life-of-the-party girl or the sophisticated woman who owns every room she walks into. I’m just me. And add to that knowing that God made me just who I am, I feel guilty for not being more okay with me.
I realize typing this that it is coming across as a pity party for one, and that annoys me on so many levels…I really am not looking for sympathy. I just want to be transparent about this weird place I’m in. If you are weird and awkward and feeling a little lonely, I wish I had some great insight into how to overcome all of that but clearly I’m still grappling with that myself. But know you aren’t alone. I’m a weird, awkward work in progress too.
I am clinging so tightly to God right now and just really resting in my faith that somehow He will use all of this insecurity and self-doubt to do something good somewhere. I know He knitted me in my mother’s womb and that I’m meant to do more. I just have to break free from these binds, have patience and know that even if I don’t always fit in here, I do fit into God’s hands, and plans. And so do you.